Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
