does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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