i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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