walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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