My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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