can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
