Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
