Kareoke will never be a sober sport
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize