Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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