there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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