oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
