you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
