im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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