ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Randomize
