Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
