if only i could text you this smell
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
