you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
