I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
