I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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