im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
