I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
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The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
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I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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