Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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