i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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