Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
