so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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