I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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