We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
