First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
