if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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