Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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