Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
We have so much sex to catch up on
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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