apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
