my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
We are two peas in an std pod
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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