he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
