i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
