I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
