I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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