Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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