I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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