I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
