I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
In America we eat man semen.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
