White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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