oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
