I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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