grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
