I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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