I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
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Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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