how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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