Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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