the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
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My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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