Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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