my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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