Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
