Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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