Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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