After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
