Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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