not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
