he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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