I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
