he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
