i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
